To keep myself busy I started a CNA class last week. It's only twice a week but I will be CNA by the end of April. I hoping this will help me to be able to get a job, and start working towards my degree to become an RN. If I decide to stay home or go back out on my mission, at least I will be certified to do nursing when I come back or where ever I go.
So will I return to my mission or not? I'm sure that is what a lot of you might be wondering, and to tell ya the truth I am wondering the same thing. I thought it would be a clear easy decision, and that I would just know. Just like how I knew I was suppose to go on a mission in the first place. When I got home my stake president told me that there would be days I would feel strongly one way and strongly the other way, and he told me to allow myself to go back and forth, that that was normal. I kind of just blew that off thinking that wont be me I will know what I am suppose to do. Well I don't know if Heavenly Father saw that as a moment to give me a trial of my faith, or if Satan saw it as a weak spot to attack. ha. Right after that I felt strongly that I was done. I accepted that my mission was only five months and it became only a memory that began to fade. I felt that the Lord must of needed to see if I was willing to do whatever he asked for him, and not on my terms. But after a month of being home I was reading an article in an LDS magazine one day when it hit me like a brick wall that I wanted to go back to South Carolina and finish out my mission. I was called for a period of 18 months not 5. I began to feel cut short of my time to serve. I set goals to return as soon as possible hoping to be back by May of this year. But that didn't last long either as I began to think of all my other dreams, and how hard it would be to go through all the emotions of leaving again.,
In the midst of all my back and forth I have also dealt with the question from almost everyone I talk to...."so are you going back out there?" or "when will you be returning?"
I know no one means any harm and they are just being supportive but I hate those questions. And I think the reason why is it makes me feel like I need an answer so I can be prepared the next time I get one of those questions.
In the end of all this I have been home for almost two months, I am slowly healing, and still have no idea why this happened, and if I need to go back. Maybe I wont know in this life time why it played out this way, but I do have faith that if I am living the way I am suppose to that the Lord will prepare me for what he wants me to do next. To return as a missionary in South Carolina, or to return to my education. Either way I will return to something I love, and the promised blessings in my call letter are still true. I only want to do what the Lord wants of me. I hope it becomes more clear as May approaches.
